Ode To Next Year’s Teachers

Teachers, I’ve completely failed you this summer.  And, I mean, a BIG, FAT, RED “F.”  I had such high hopes for this time off with the kiddos while I was pinning all those crafty projects, but, per usual, after a few days, the wheels flew off. Now, don’t you worry too much because they did master a few skills they’ll need this upcoming year.

Their organizational skills are on time.  They know where everything goes and always put things back in their homes.  Fruit snack wrappers under the couch?  Sure!  Old juice boxes in the toy chests?  Why not.  Legos in the toilet?  Of course.  Dried up yogurt squeezers in the closet?  Yes!

They’ve also dominated their comprehension skills.  They will listen to every little word you say.  In fact, when you call their name, they will answer after only ONE time.  It’s really something else.  They’ve been incredibly busy catching creepy holigrams and watching other kids play toys on the YouTube.  We might have to get the jaws of life to get them off the couch on the first day.  

There is some good news.  We’ve mastered the concept of discipline as they’ve happily shared their toys with each other, thrown zero punches, and never had a shitty attitude or complained of being bored.  That’s right. 

Oh, and our hygiene?  Flawless.  I am pretty confident Edward Scissorhands was living with us at one point, and it basically took a chainsaw to clip those bad boys.  I never let the pool constitute bath time, and they brushed their teeth every day.  Every. Single. Day.  As if that’s not enough, at one point, I walked past the bathroom where I heard my middle child serenading the toilet:  “Drink my pee pee, yeah!”  Good times.

So, don’t be jealous if we’ve out-skilled you this summer.  You’ve always got next year to try out our regime.  And to you teachers, I know I’ve let you down, but my promise to you is this. They will use their brains before school starts.  Yes, I realize I have 4 days, but it’s sort of like that starvation diet you endure before a beach trip.  The last ditch effort to get right in the Ibsen Boot Camp.  

And for that first day of school, I might or might not send them in an uber and celebrate with a mimosa.  We survived another summer folks.  We did it.  And, to all of you home-schooling moms out there, you’re an exceptional breed.  Truely amazing.

Happy school year!

5 thoughts on “Ode To Next Year’s Teachers

  1. This made me laugh- especially the part about bathing/swimming pools!! I was just talking about this with some friends today and shared your funny post with them. Here’s to new school years! Hugs.


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